Things not to say at a job interview ...

Thirty-odd years ago I applied for a job.

Back in those days you were expected to hand-write a short letter of application, accompanied by a professional-looking CV. All applications would be acknowledged by the advertiser, even if you were considered a non-starter.
That was an era of courtesy and accepted protocol.

Now, I say, ‘a job’, but this was to be a professional partnership that would involve my domestic translocation.

For this particular position I was adequately qualified and had suitable experience. I had rehearsed my responses to anticipated questions at the interview I hoped to be offered. I even had some naïve political views that I was prepared to share and justify.

The interview was going well, and my well-practised responses to the interviewers’ delving enquiries regarding professional aspects of the position seemed to meet with approval. I began to relax.

Then we came to, “… and how would you go about integrating with the local society?”
Now, I hadn’t practised this one.
Hobbies and pastimes would have been OK, but ‘social integration’?!

“I would probably attend Church,” I offered, rather too hastily.

(Now, bear in mind I am referring to a bygone age when it was entirely PC to advertise: “Christian practice requires someone of similar views …” So-worded had been this advertisement. We all knew that in reality that meant “British, white and middle class.” Applicants were expected to lie!)

My response was met with warm smiles that perhaps belied some circumspection on the part of my interviewers, who appeared to be wringing their hands rather nervously.

“Anything else?” one of them asked.
I paused.
Should I tell them about my passion for steam engines?
What about philately?
Do I tell them that I am a competent bicycle maintenance person?

“Yes,” I replied after thinking for a while; “I like folk music so I intend to seek out any local folk clubs.”

The silence, after a sharp intake of breath, in unison, was palpable.
The four members of the interviewing panel exchanged enigmatic glances. The corporate hand-wringing became more obvious, and I am sure that one of them kicked her neighbour under the desk that separated me from them.

“Fine, kindly leave us to consider for a few moments.”
I was ushered into the ante-room of the WC.

Within seconds the practice secretary was despatched to convey the outcome.
I think she smiled as she said to me, “I am terribly sorry …”

I rarely attended Church after that.
I still like folk music.

A New Grammatical Phrase ...

I  have just invented the 'ortho-palindrome'.
Now, we all know that a palindrome is a word that looks and spells the same when written forwards, or in reverse.

Look at these words:

1. Banana
2. Dresser
3. Grammar
4. Potato
5. Revive
6. Uneven
7. Assess

What do they have in common?

Answers by post written on the back of an exceedingly large cheque will be gratefully received.

Correct responses in 'comments' will be rewarded by being published.

Now I'll work on neo-onomatopoeia!

Regarding Trees ...

So, Mr. Cameron has responded to popular pressure by not pursuing the idea of selling off England’s trees, forests and ancient woodland.
Campaigners, with whom I sympathise, and congratulate, regard this as a success.

BUT … is it a success?
The media reports DC’s recent statement as a U-turn by the government.
In reality it is an idea that has simply been shelved – put on the back-burner.
My guess is that the unholy coalition of our government has neglected to turn off the gas.
I can’t help thinking that this issue will come back.

These are trees...

They probably germinated from seed before you or me were ever conceived.

They do not belong to me, or you, or any individual, and certainly not to our parliamentary representatives.
I guess that The Crown might lay claim, (questionably,) to the land, but the aristocracy hunted out the game from the so-called 'Royal Forests', centuries ago.

I like trees.
Can you tell?

An Interesting Journey on the 700 Bus ...

I took the bus yesterday evening.
You know I like buses.

There was a young man travelling, who clearly had Tourtette syndrome.
He expleted loudly, and repetitively, very rude words of a sexual nature.

Most of my fellow travellers just looked out of the window, reluctant to make eye-contact.

Between Chichester and Bognor, just before the Royal Oak, (that’s the pink pub,) a lady rose from her seat and approached the driver.
“Will you please get this man off the bus,” she said, “He is using obscene and offensive language. He said that he wants to stroke my …”
(Actually, he did say that; I heard!)
In silence, the driver simply responded by pointing to a notice that read as follows:

“Do not stand forward of this sign.”
“Do not distract the driver while the bus is in motion.”


The lady continued her exhortation with increasing vehemence.
The Tourette sufferer, remaining in his seat, responded at a competitive volume.
The driver drove on.

Nobody had pressed the bell for the bus to stop just beyond the Royal Oak.
Nobody had hailed it from the roadside.
The driver stopped his bus ...

“Now,” said the lady, “Will you remove this disgusting person?”

“No,” said the driver, “This is where YOU get off!”

Well done, Driver!

A Maritme Quiz ...

There you are, on a starboard tack, having a leisurely sail in Chichester Harbour. Another boat, displays a rectangular burgee that looks thus:

She is on a collision course at great speed.
What is the courteous and prudent thing to do?

A) Abandon ship
B) Shout rude words
C) Send snipers to the top-rigging
D) Pray
E) Partake of alcohol
F) Get out of the way
G) Gybe
H) Put about
I) Heave-to and hope
J) Fire distress flares
K) Make a video-recording of the event on your mobile phone
L) Contact your marine insurers

M) Any or all of the above!

That Concertina and The Gresford Disaster...

A few teething problems have been surmounted following the helpful advice of my concertina vendor, and some mechanical intervention and further recommendations from a friendly repairer.

Gresford by dogsbody

I tried to post this demo on facebook, but my extensively researched account of the Gresford Mining Disaster of 1934 was foreshortened.

Here goes:

The Gresford Mining Disaster

On 22nd September 1934 there was a notorious mining catastrophe at the Gresford Mine near Wrexham.
266 colliers died following an explosion.
The youngest, Duncan Bett, was 12 years old. The eldest was James Sam Edwards, 87.

The event is documented in an anonymously published broadside, sales of which helped raise money for the relief of the victims’ families.

Lyrics as follows ...

You've heard of the Gresford Disaster,
Of the terrible price that was paid;
Two hundred and forty two colliers were lost,
And three men of the rescue brigade.

It occurred in the month of September
At three in the morning the pit
Was racked by a violent explosion
In the Dennis where gas lay so thick.

Now the gas in the Dennis deep section
Was heaped there like snow in a drift,
And many a man had to leave the coal-face
Before he had worked out his shift.

Now a fortnight before the explosion,
To the shotfirer Tomlinson cried,
"If you fire that shot we'll be all blown to hell!"
And no one can say that he lied.

Now the fireman's reports they are missing
The records of forty-two days;
The collier manager had them destroyed
To cover his criminal ways.

Down there in the dark they are lying.
They died for nine shillings a day;
They have worked out their shift and now they must lie
In the darkness until Judgement day.

Now the Lord Mayor of London's collecting
To help out the children and wives;
The owners have sent some white lilies
To pay for the poor colliers' lives.

Farewell all our dear wives and children
Farewell all our comrades as well,
Don't send your sons down the dark dreary pit
They'll be doomed like the sinners in hell.

One source gives the tune as a variant of Botany Bay. (http://www.traditionalmusic.co.uk/song-midis/Gresford_Disaster.htm)
I’m not sure I like that.
More commonly I come across it to Alexander Reinagle’s music that accompanies John Newton’s hymn, 'How Sweet the Name of Jesus Sounds'.
That’s fitting because the colliery band is known to have played that tune at the pithead during unsuccessful rescue attempts. Thereafter it has popularly become known as ‘Gresford’ and ‘The Miners Hymn’.

John Tams is credited as having married up the words with that tune, as recorded by The Albion Band. (http://riseuplikethesun2.tripod.com/id11.html
 and http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WCKBhmK95q4)

Gerry Rafferty, RIP.

A sad loss to the music world was reported today ...



The saxaphone never held much appeal for me until I first heard this on a late-night radio programme.
It is late-night music, after all.
"Wow!!!" I exclaimed.

I am told that the sax-player was never credited on the original album.