Dear Mr. Darling,
As UK tax-payers, my wife and I have stakes in the recently-nationalised Bradford and Bingley Building Society, Northern Rock and, as of yesterday, part shares in three major high street banks. How much did yesterday's little enterprise cost? £37,000,000,000, did I hear?
It must be such a heavy responsibility looking after all those noughts! I sympathise, honey bunch, and offer my humble assistance.
Now, how many UK tax-payers are there? (Let's give that number the value 't'.)
What would be our personal share of all that expense?
(= 2 x £37,000,000,000/t.)
When may we expect to receive our share certificates?
Will we have to pay capital-gains tax when we sell? Bear in mind, of course, that you have used our tax revenue to pay for these so-called investments in the first instance. Will the treasury pay US in the event of capital-loss?
As shareholders in these various institutions, do we have voting rights? Is there a vacancy for me on a board of directors? Please understand that, being of independent means, I expect no financial remuneration for my services. A luxury apartment at Canary Wharf, a chauffeur-driven executive motor car and unlimited free access to a respectable escort agency seems reasonable. Oh, yes, a private jet, with pilot always at my disposal, would be good too. Failing all that, a new bicycle will suffice!
Yours faithfully,
Your generous and ever-obliging tax-payers,
Mr. Teekle and his wife, Skep.
PS. Why haven't your eyebrows gone grey?
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