Tracey, The Underground Pig and The Ferret ...

I have an idea!
I confess it has been inspired by a comedienne’s spot on Rob Bryson’s programme on BBC2 this evening.

Do you receive ‘cold calls’ on the telephone?
You know the sort of thing ...

“Hello, my name is Tracey. I am calling on behalf of ‘The Subterranean Porcine Detection Company'."

"Do you have an underground pig?”
(Apologies to my friend, OSM.)

Now, here’s the strategic response ...
“Hello, Tracey, how nice to here from you!”
You remember Tracey, she looks like this …



You continue thus ...
“Before I answer that question I need you to respond to a few security questions, is that OK?”

Tracey, somewhat taken from behind, says, “Yes.”
(Silly girl!)
“Please tell me your mother’s second cousin’s maiden name?” you ask.
Tracey responds with an answer that may, or may not, be accurate.
You don’t really care!

“Fine,” you say and continue, “And what is the name of your pet ferret?”
“But I haven’t got a ferret!” says Tracey.
“Correct!” you say in a congratulatory tone.

“Now, I need you to tell me the 75th letter/digit of your password.”
Tracey chooses some arbitrary alpha-numeric character.
“Right!” you say, “You are successfully logged in to your account.”

Tracey - "What account?"
You - "The database of time-wasting call-centre personnel with delightful telephone voices who stimulate my imagination."
Tracey - "Oh!"

Then …
“Will you have sex with me tonight?” you enquire.

Tracey puts down the phone.
She has not made a sale.
The pig remains underground ...
and it costs you nothing not to have sex tonight!

Life is ever thus!

The Tale of a Bicycle Wheel #3

Last week Jane struggled home from her work having suffered another broken spoke on the new wheel.
I removed the wheel.
She took the wheel back to the shop.

“Oh yes, we’ll sort that,” said [B]'s helpful young assistant.
“I’ll collect it later,” said Jane.

Three hours later we collected it.
PING!

[B] was summoned.
Once again he complained to us, the consumers, (not the manufacturer/supplier!) about the quality of materials.

PING!

He searched his stock, but was unable to locate a matching complete wheel.
He then undertook to replace all the spokes on the existing wheel with a ‘DT’ variety.

I made the mistake of asking what the term ‘DT’ actually means.

I was educated, at considerable length, including a creditable thesis involving scientific terms about tensionometry, and the material-strength and elastic limits of stainless steel.

“Hooke’s law of elasticity states that … F = - kx.”

“Oh yes,” that’s what my physics teacher told me.”

“Yes, BUT stainless steel is not a linear-elastic (Hookean) material.”

I’d already guessed that!

“Perhaps someone could invent a wheel with rubber spokes,” I jested.

Unfortunately [B]’s sense of humour is hard to detect. He continued his lengthy dissertation explaining why my idea was geometric and mechanical nonsense.

I’d guessed that too!

“Come back next week,” he said.

To be fair to [B], he phoned at 7.00pm that same Saturday evening to say he had completed the task.

Will this saga continue?
May I borrow your tensionometer?!