Pompey wins the FA Cup ..

Most of you probably think the Portsmouth striker is a bloke, don't you?



Actually, I am married to her!

I am the chimp on the left ...

The person who sent me the following clip prefaced it with a derogatory title about Irish people and their Darwinian heritage.

PC requires that it do NOT reproduce that introduction.

This sender should be kneecapped, tarred and feathered.
(Is 'tarred' a correct verb?)



I complain to the director that, apart from the opening frames, I receive minimal exposure. What's the one in the middle got that I haven't!

Now look here, Bill (1.however-many decimals,) this is parody in the extreme. The Riverdance productions were a complete delight.

I remain very fond of my Irish friends.
Darwin was pretty bright, too!

Anyone for tea? ...

Good,eh?!

Kipling and vampires...

Philip Burne-Jones' picture, "The Vampire" (first exhibited in 1896,) depicts a woman mounting a sleeping/unconscious man.

(Oh, lucky man!)




In 1897 Rudyard Kipling was reputed to have been inspired to write his poem “The Vampire” after viewing this image. Here it is:

The Vampire

A fool there was and he made his prayer
(Even as you or I!)
To a rag and a bone and a hank of hair,
(We called her the woman who did not care),
But the fool he called her his lady fair--
(Even as you or I!)

Oh, the years we waste and the tears we waste,
And the work of our head and hand
Belong to the woman who did not know
(And now we know that she never could know)
And did not understand!

A fool there was and his goods he spent,
(Even as you or I!)
Honour and faith and a sure intent
(And it wasn't the least what the lady meant),
But a fool must follow his natural bent
(Even as you or I!)

Oh, the toil we lost and the spoil we lost
And the excellent things we planned
Belong to the woman who didn't know why
(And now we know that she never knew why)
And did not understand!

The fool was stripped to his foolish hide,
(Even as you or I!)
Which she might have seen when she threw him aside--
(But it isn't on record the lady tried)
So some of him lived but the most of him died--
(Even as you or I!)

And it isn't the shame and it isn't the blame
That stings like a white-hot brand--
It's coming to know that she never knew why
(Seeing, at last, she could never know why)
And never could understand!

(I don't understand either!)

The Dream of St. Anley ...

Those of you who have had the patience to follow this blog, you will know that St. Anley the Incandescent is an illiminated and imaginary figure.

He is also St. Anley the Imaginative. He has several imaginary friends. (They are always best friends.)

Today he woke up and imagined receiving a telephone call. He didn't quite catch the caller's name, but she directed him to this masterpiece on youtube:



St. Anley was transported into continued imagination and further slumber.
He dreamed that she said, "I'll be along on Friday."

Then he woke up.

Reality dawned!

Oikan Anis Bethlehem...

Somebody commented , kindly, on a video I posted on Youtube.
These are the English words of a carol originally written in Manx gaelic:

Oikan Anys Bethlehem

Now let us keep this feast,
And keep it with pure hearts,
In remembrance of Jesus Christ:
Baby in Bethlehem.


He left the courts of his Father,
Taking on our human form,
Born of a pure maiden:
Baby in Bethlehem.


The angels of heaven were glad,
And came with news to us,
Telling of the Saviour born today:
Baby in Bethlehem.


Is it not great the meekness
Which was in Christ the Lamb?
When He took on a servant’s form:
Baby in Bethlehem.


Glory up to God above,
Who rules in happiness.
Goodwill of God is shown to us:
Baby in Bethlehem.

I hope that helps.

The foolhardy might want to follow this link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6GtPZkQ6uv8&feature=channel

Into the West...

Here's some more for Misty...

(Originally I posted a video incorporating Annie Lennox singing 'Into the West'. Understandably, that was removed from youtube because of copyright infringement. Here's Enya singing 'Exile' instead.)



[Gandalf]...and all turns to silver glass,
and then you see it...
White shores, and beyond - a far great country,
unto a swift sunrise.



I suppose Gandalf will be the next to be disallowed!

Play 'Misty' for me...

I watched our family cat die last week.
Her name was Misty.



Sadly mist!

How do you walk in those shoes?

Attached to this elegant foot is my wife's shapely body. She is too modest to allow me to publish any more of her desirable form.

A grumpy old man's reflections about winter in the North

Please have in mind that I am writing of the austerity-years of the 1950s. The location is a small industrial town in Lancashire. God made it. Then, it has been rumoured, He forgot about it. It was a time and place where people were born, dubiously-raised, educated, worked, married, procreated (not necessarily in that order) and died without ever having strayed further than the great metropolis of Manchester.

Occasionally there might have been a coach-trip to Blackpool. (Such was the corporate entertainment of the time.)

Life was very different then. Perhaps it was more parochial and pragmatic, than it is now. Car ownership, and many other modern conveniences, were far from universal. (Lots of less-than-modern conveniences were inconveniently situated in the back yard. They were a Victorian builder's afterthought. The plumbing regularly froze!)

Personal transport, if you were fortunate, was a rusty-chained bicycle that needed new tyres. The concept of 'Commuting' was a rumour. It was what rich people were said to be doing around faraway London. Here it was not a consideration. Most people lived where they worked ... and enjoyed vivid dreams.

(I meant about bikes!)

There were proper railways then. As well as passengers, they would transport freight and livestock. Interminable rakes of mineral-wagons were hauled, rattling through the night, bringing fuel from the Yorkshire coal fields to centres of manufacture.

The permanent way had sleepers that had been lovingly hewn from solid timber, not those inorganic concrete things we see now. The rails were of bullhead profile, held in ‘chairs’ with wedges.

Steam was king!

Drifting off to sleep, the comforting noise of shunting in the nearby goods yard echoed around the valley. You felt you wanted to 'bottle' that sound. It made every young boy dream of owning a Hornby-Dublo train set, and of growing up to be an engine driver.

Mills were operating throughout day and night. You knew that life continued as long as you could hear those shuttles flying.

People had jobs there. Everybody did. Whole families relied on the mills for their sustenance. Parents had no greater expectation than that their offspring would follow them into similar employment.

"What will we do if Johnny passes his 11-plus exams?" asked many an anxious mother.

Factory chimneys were tall and branded. They had personality. We loved them. Their emissions were a constant reassurance that all was well in our small world.

Fred Dibnah (bless him) had triumphed over the hazardous life-crisis of adolescence. He began fearlessly and famously climbing tall architectural structures. Little did we know what was to come.
(Some say that Fred never grew up!)



Dr. Beeching was yet to take over responsibility for the railways. What qualified him to usurp the responsibility of the fat controller?


(Does this anorak suit me?)

Winter came at least once a year. It would snow.
Heavily!
Every year it would snow.
Oh, what joy!

The sledge your dad had made came out of the shed/attic/outside loo. Woolworths would regularly sell them from November onwards, but your pocket-money was never enough, and the one your Dad had made was always better.

.
The weather wasn't bad, just a minor inconvenience. You lived with it. You adapted to it. Schools did not close; we were simply advised to wear more clothing. Getting changed for PE in front of your peers became acutely embarrassing: "Your mother knitted THAT?!" they'd enquire in total disbelief.

The school milk that came in third-pint bottles was always frozen.



Then, we’d never heard of the ‘school-run’. It wasn’t necessary to be accompanied; you walked or cycled to school. We trusted Charlie, the friendly lollipop-man, to see us safely across the main road from Rochdale.

There were no parking difficulties outside my school. The only person who had a car in those days was the headmaster. It was a much-coveted Triumph Mayflower, in silver-grey, if memory serves me correctly. (Mr. Fenwick even possessed some snow-chains!)


Buses still operated on roads that had been cleared by public-spirited farmers coming down from the surrounding hills with their tractors. Points on the railways did not freeze; they’d been in continuous use throughout the night. We never had the ‘wrong sort of snow’.

While we youngsters attended school, our elders went to earn the daily bread, negotiating waist-high snow-drifts. They just set off earlier.

Only occasionally did they freeze to death on their way home.



We unfailingly walked to chapel (three times) on Sunday, where a fearsome minister exhorted the congregation to endure shivering throughout the sermon as ‘righteous suffering’. Only Auntie Muriel (the organist) succumbed to hypothermia.

The postman uncomplainingly struggled to deliver Her Majesty's mail. His worthy mission did not depend upon motorised transport; he walked from the sorting office. Mother regularly asked him in for a cup of tea and a 'warm-up'. He seemed a nice man; I liked him. However, even before the kettle had boiled, Mum would wrap me up in my warmest clothes, gloves and balaclava, and send me out to play.

In Mum's defence, I must add that I am not aware that I have any younger siblings. Nevertheless, after that, I briefly toyed with the aspiration of becoming a postman!


The doctor, carrying a worn Gladstone-bag full of mysterious substances, would visit if requested. Even the doctor couldn’t afford a car. I had measles at the time. The doctor's breath had a spiritous odour. Mother recoiled, while Father thanked God for Aneurin Bevan. I wondered, "Who on Earth is he?"


On Christmas Eve the town band continued to regale the populus with carols, as we children marvelled at these beautifully-formed hexagonal crystals that fell into, and transformed, our world.

There was one slight casualty when the euphonium-player's lips became frozen to his instrument's mouth-piece.

Life went on, and it was good. We accommodated the weather. How could we do otherwise? Mum would do old Mrs. Irwin's shopping. My brother and I were provided with shovels to clear the paths and pavement. Then we'd build a snowman in the middle of the road.

Dad used to supplement the family income by signing up to deliver the Christmas post. He walked miles through snow-filled tracks to remote farms and villages. I went with him once. It was a glorious, albeit exhausting, experience.
(We were never invited in for tea and a 'warm-up'!)

The Ebenezer Baptist Sunday-School's football team, of which I was a faithful, undersized and otherwise-undistinguished member, played whatever the weather. We regularly lost by double-digits to nil. I scored a goal once, (an own goal!) I never played again.

Yes, I admit to some unreserved sentimentality here, and only a little fanciful exaggeration. This week’s media hysteria regarding so-called bad weather irks me considerably. Shortly, harnessing all my courage and resolve, I intend to traverse a snow-laden and icy pavement in order to post a letter.
Is this wise?
Is my journey necessary?
Should I perform a risk assessment?
Will the postman (in his van) collect the letter?

So, there you are, that's how it was. In spite of the good times, I never owned a Hornby-Dublo train set, but I still have the catalogue...


I think that's the Duchess of Hamilton on the left. The Duchess continued to occupy my dreams until Jenny Agutter came along in the BBC's serialisation of The Railway Children.

(I digress; that was quite a bit later, by which time we had acquired a second-hand TV set. Father had recanted his view that the cathode-ray-tube was an invention of the antichrist. I was 18 and hopelessly in love; puberty was just around the corner!)

Here's Jenny...



(I never got to drive a steam engine either!)

Where did my life go?
Where have all the real winters gone?
Am I too old for any of my dreams to be fulfilled?

(Ooooh, Jenny ... !)

PS. I offer a prize (a thermal vest) for anyone who can identify the town. Within the fantasy are hidden several genuine clues.